[2]

Mistris New-come.

HOw doe you good Mistris Custome? I man hath to give you a [Editor: illegible word] to see how you doe.

Mistris Custome, M. New-come, pray draw neare and sit downe; come, you are heartily, heartily welcome.

M. New. I shall be a trouble to you, I see you are busie.

M. Cust. No, no, not so busie, but I can spare so much time as to discourse with you a while; how doth your husband doe? what, is he at home? or where is his Rendezvouz?

M. New. I thank you Mistris Custome; he is not at home, nor is his Rendezvouz farre from home but what have you a Feast here suddenly that you are so Decking, Adorning,and Trimming up your house with thisa fine Rosemary and Bayes. I beleeve there is some such doings is there not?

M. Cust. No truely, here is no Feasting but what doth fall out according to that Time.

M. New. Time; pray now what Time?

[3]

M. Cust. Why, Christmas, woman; have you forgot it? Indeed these Wars and Jars would almost make one forget their Christen name, if they were not often called on, to put one in remembrance.

M. New. Indeed Christmas can hardly be beaten out of many folks heads, which is a very strange thing.

M. Cust. Not so strange as true, woman; I should rather, and sooner forget my mother that bare me, and the paps that gave me suck, then forget this merry Time; nay, if thou hadst ever seen the Mirth and Jolitie that we have had at those Times when I was young, thou wouldst blesse thy selfe to see it.

M. New. Nay, undoubtedly I might very well beleeve you without swearing; for surely, there was then excessive Sports, Pastimes, and Revels, that it would make a bodies haire stand on end to heare and see it.

M. Cust. Didst thou never heare of my Grand-father? why, he was second cousin to the Earle of Dum-belly, Cup-bearer to Bacchus, Knight of the Vapour, and Esquire of the Pipe; he was a great Politician, Monopolist, and Project-monger; t'is very strange you never heard of him.

M. New. I have heard of the like, if not the same; but what of him?

M. Cust. What of him; nay, nothing of him, but I say my Grand-father was his second cousin.

M. New. Well, and what of that?

[4]

M. Cust. What of that? Nay, by the masse, I forgot where I was; this ’tis to have such a scurvy head-piece, my Lady I know not what I was going to say.

M. New. It was about your Grand-father at Christmas.

M. Cust. O me, O me, ’tis true, ’tis true; I see you keep your brains warmer then I doe, which makes you so ripe-witted: but for feare I should forget againe, Ile tell thee; my Grand-father kept a brave house at Christmas, (it makes ones teeth dance in ones head like Virginal-Jacks with the very conceit on’t) for according to his owne Verses:)

Then Pell Mell murther in a purple hue,
In reeking blood, did slaughtering pawes imbreu;
Then Cocks Hens, Capons, Turkey, Goose & Widgeon,
Heres, Conyes, Phesants, Partridge, Plovar, Pigeon.
All these were cast into the furious pawes
Of break-neck Powlt’rers, t’undegoe their Lawes:
The Butchers Axe (like great Achillea Bat)
Dings deadly downe, ten thousand thousand flat;
Each Butcher by himselfe makes Martiall Lawes,
Cut throats and kills, then quarters, hangs, and drows.
When this is done, then to the Pot and Spit
’Tis totally committed every bit.

This I say, the very conceit of this is enough to make one chew the Cud; for my part, it makes me me thinks look two yeares younger then I did before, every time I think on’t; indeed they were brave Times, pray God send us such again, and we shall once more have a merry world.

[5]

M. New. This was in the times of old when men were trunck-[Editor: illegible word].

M. Cust. Nay, by Lady (God forgive me for swearing) it is not so long since; for my father kept a brave house to at that Time, though he pinched for it all the yeare after; he had all the Varieties as the earth could afford, for Boyled, Baked, and Roasted.

M. New. I have seen but a little of this Sport, yet of that little I have seen too much; for it would make the stander by ashamed to see what the feeder devoures and what gods they make of their bellies that one would think that people also take in twelve moneths Provision into their pauches, or that they did ballast their bellies for a voyage to Constantinople, or to the East-Indies.

M. Cust. Indeed all this as you speake is true; for I think verily, if it were not for Dancing, Frisking, Playing, Toying, Christmas-Gamboles, and such kind of jogging Exercises to shake it down, it were impossible they should devoure so much as they do. Then to see Cook hot and Cook cold, Cook young and Cook old, Scullion & Scullions mate, all in a sweat, like so many Monarchs of the Marrow-bones, Marquesses of the Mutton, Princes of the Pyes and Pasties, Lords, High-Regents of the Spits and Kittles, Barons of the Griddiron, and so be Commanders of the Frying-panne, during this Festivall. I say, to see them Act their Tragi-comicall Feasts, would make a man or [6] womans stomacke elevate its selfe into another temper.

M. New. And all this hurly-burly is for no other purpose but to stop the greeby mouth of this Leviathan, or Land-whale, Christmas.

M. Cust. Well, ’tis true; but now for sooth Christmas must be cryed downe, Reformation must be cryed up; if they were weighed in a ballance, then I know Christmas would goe downe without crying: but there are some now adayes, a Crew of Tatter-demallians, amongst which the best could scarce ever attain to a Calves-skin-Sute, or a piece of Neck-Beefe and Garrets to dinner on a Sunday, or scarcely ever mounted (before these times) to any Office above the degree of Scavenger or Tything-man at the farthest; and now for sooth these Reformado’s, upon pretence of Reformation, shall destroy and overthrow the most Famous and Commendable Customes of this Land; especially for the observing and keeping of this Great Day: what, are we forsooth wiser then our fathers that brought us up, and educated us in this Wisedom? ’Tis a strange thing to me; it can’t be beaten into my braines, that this can be just and honest.

M. New. M. Custome, you were best to discourse with some of those which thinke it not fitting to keep that Time in such a Revelling way, perhaps and no doubt but they will give you reasons against it; and I partly know you to be a rationall woman and that you will permitt reason to beare the sway.

[7]

M. Cust. Reason, reason; as if any man could shew a reason for not keeping of Christmas, you spake as had as blasphemie: Christmas, that hath been a Custome ever since the world began, should now with a puffe of reason, through the Ramshorne of selfe-conceit, with the walls of Jericho, be layd flat to the ground.

M. New. Nay, M. Custome, although it is a Custome very Ancient, yet it is not so old as the world; there you are somewhat mistaken.

M. Cust. As for the world, I doe not know its age; but for Christmas, I am sure it was kept in my Grand-fathers great Grand-fathers time, in my Grand-fathers time, & in my fathers time, & none of these did ever think it Superstition or Idolatry; and for my part, I will keep it as long as I am able, let all the powers on earth stand to oppose it.

And though the Fields dis-robed be
   Of all their Herbs and Fruits,
And the merrie chirping Birds
   Are all turn’d tonguelesse mutes;
Yet we will sing and merrie be,
   Our time in Sport wee’l passe,
Not weighing how the time shall be,
   Nor never how it was.

M. New. Then you are resolved.

M. Cust. I am for that matter, come what will come; ah how (me thinkes) my braines are wher upon the conceit on’t; I could wish now at this Time, that the Valiantest Champion of all the [8] Round-headed Disputants, to encounter with me in this Argument: I tell thee, If I had the tongue of Hermes, who (as my Husband saith) was Prolocutor to the gods; or if I had as many fingers as Camaldus, who was feigned to have an hundred hands. If surging Neptune, was converted into Inke, or the rugged-ragged-face of our antient mother Tellus, were Paper, yet could not the verball, volubilitie, or elocution of my voyce, nor the agilitie, dexteritie, or facultie of my hands, nor the spacious, unmesurable number-lesse, white innocent Paper; no, none of all these could either speak, write, or by any other meanes declare the aboundance of Arguments, comprehended within the notion of my braine for this unlimited Subject.

M. New. For my part, your Eloquence is to harsh for me. M. Cust. Oh, I have it by heart; I have heard my Husband, when Gentlemen have been drinking here at my house, rabble out aboundance of this Fustian-stuffe, which gives them a great deale of content, especially when they have almost seen the Devill in a Prize Jerkin, and every thing look with Janus faces.

M. New. Then I perceive by you that you cannot possibly be wrought on to leave this Old Ceremony, your mind is so unchangeable.

M. Cust. Unchangeable, can the Black-moore change his skin, or the Sunne alter his continued course? Yet sooner can these things be done then [9] my mind changed, for to keep old Christmas once again.

M. New. It is an old saying, and true, That which is bred in the bone, will seldome or never out of the flesh.

M. Cust. Thou sayest true; My great Grand-father, my Grand-father, my father, and now my selfe, these nine and fortie yeares have kept this Festivall Time, and this yeare above all the rest ought to be kept, for it is the yeare of Iubile, as the Bishop of Armagh said, when he preached before the King; and I for my part am fourescore and one yeares old: So that here is Iubile upon Iubile, yeare-Iubile for my birth, and the year Iubile for my keeping Christmas: and therefore shall not we be merry mine owne S. Nichol. a Cod?

We will be merry, let all say what they will,
As we have kept it, so wee’l keepe it still.

M. New. What, will you keepe it in spite of Authoritie?

M. Cust. What Authoritie? I am sure my father and mother had the greatest authoritie over me ever since I was borne, and other authoritie I knew none before I was married, & now it seems I am under a crabbed Husbands authoritie, and besides him I will be subject to none, and I am sure he is as strong for Christmas as the greatest of our Ancestours; and therefore that Authoritie will not curb me.

M. New. Then it seemes you know no other authoritie?

[10]

M. Cust. No by our Lady, not I: neither doe I desire to know any, for he is crabbed enough of any conscience; if I should tell you all, you would say so too: therefore the Devill take all other Authority, if it be no better then a dogged, arossegraine Devillish Husband.

M. New. Why, then you count the Parliament no Authoritie?

M. Cust. I hope Gossip you are not come to pick quarrells with me in my owne house?

M. New. No truely M. Custome, not I, neither would I have you to entertaine such a hard conceit; for my part I was never so well read in such Principles, nor ever took any degree at the Universitie of Billingsgate.

M. Cust. Perhaps you are of your mothers tutor-age then, for I am sure she was an Oyster-woman of that Colledge for one and twentie yeares, to my owne knowledge; and had her tongue as nimble as an Italian Mountebanck.

M. New. What my mother was is nothing to me.

M. Cust. But you are a Chip of the Old Block: for what doe you mean, in telling me of the Parliament?

M. New. I meane the two Houses of Parliament which have jumped together in one Opinion, for the putting downe and destroying of this Romish Beast Christmas; for which, they are to be commended.

[11]

M. Cust. It is a strange thing; let the Devill never so cunningly hide his head, we shall know him by his Cloven foot; nor let the Asse never so craftily hide his feet, yet we may know him by his Eares: and howsoever covertly you have carried your selfe, I know you, both by head & heels: I see you are one of the New Faction, and a great Student in Spittle-Colledge; but that is nothing to me: yet what do you mean by Calling Christmas a Romish Beast? pray explain your self at large.

M. New. To leave all manner of Circumstance, which is not pertinent to our Subject in hand——

M. Cust. By Lady neighbour, I think you are one of these New Teachers, you handle your matter so excellent; but I trouble you, pray proceed.

M. New. The word (Christmas) if learnedly weighed in it we shall and matter of dangerous Consequence: As.

1. If we consider what the word or name is, Christ.

2. If we consider who gave him this name.

3. Where he was Christned, or had the name given him.

4. By what authoritie they gave him this name.

Of which I shall proceed in order, according to my weak abilitie: And first for the word; Christmas to a word which deciphers a Scorpion which is a venomous Beast, which carries a sting at his tayle and so doth Christmas; for the word [12] Masse is a king in the tayle of that Romish Beast: Secondly, we must consider who gave him this name, & that was his God-fathers and God-mothers in Baptisme; from whence ariseth this doubtfull question? who they were, and that was Pope Boniface, Pope Fireface, and Pope Joane; but by reason of their non-residence here in England, the Bishops took that office upon them and stood as shitten Gossips. Thirdly, the place where, this is by the learned held in great Dispute, but I beleeve in his infancie he was sickly; and therefore according to the Church of Englands Tenets he was twice Christned that is to say, at home here in England, and afterwards confirmed at Rome, the Mother Church of all such Antichristian Heresies: but I shall be over tedious, therefore I will come to the fourth Devision, and that is by what authoritie they doe these things: this will take up a greate deale of time to open and explaine unto you, if I should doe it to purpose; therefore I will omit it, onely certifying you thus much, that there is no power under the Sun that hath any authoritie to erect or build up, neither to destroy and pull down any thing, save what is in the will of the two Houses of Parliament.

M. Cust. That word waked me, indeed I was almost asleep; what, you say that the Parliament hath power to pull down Christmas; I pray then what will they put up in the roome on’t, Stage-Playes, [13] Dancing upon the Ropes, & Hocus Pocus. M. New.

No, it shall be like other Times, not one day higher or lower then another; for it is not for us to stand upon Times and Seasons.

M. Cust. Fie upon’t, fie upon’t, away with’t, away with’t, I doe not know this Parliament, ’tis no kin to me; If this is the Authoritie you talked of, God deliver me from such Authoritie; this is worser Authoritie then my Husbands, for though my Husband beats me now and then, yet he gives my belly full, and allowes me money in my purses which as I take it, the Parliament will not; for I remember men come for money, money, and if I aske them what it is, for they still keepe in one tune like the Cockoe, and tell me it is for the Parliament; God deliver me from those that will neither let us eate our victualls and be merry, though they don’t pay for it; nor yet if they could helpe it, leave us any money in our purses.

M. New. Then you doe not regard thesePowers, let them say or doe what they will.

M. Cust. No indeed, not I; is it not fitting I should do what I will with mine own? Cannot I keep Christmas, eate good Chear, & be Merry, without I goe and get a Licence from the Parliament? Marry gap, come up here, for my part Ile be hanged by the neck first; must I be subject to them I never saw in my life? No, no, neighbour, they are mistaken in me; though they set up Scare-Crowes to scare fooles withall, they shall not fright me.

[14]

M. New. Truely neighbour, if these Powers and Authorities will not make you leave off this Superstitious and Idolatrous Feasting, some other sharper and more rigorous power must.

M. Cust. Must, doe you say? How now, you said you did not come to Scold, but I see you will Scold before you goe: I see now by the Masse, there is no making hony of a Dogs-turd; that which is bred in the bone will never out of the flesh; your mother I saith hath taught you your lerry, almost as perfect as she hath it her selfe: must make me?

M. New. Yes, must make you: I do not goe to eate my words Gillian: what I have spoken Ile speake againe, I have those which shall maintaine me in it, I care not who knows it, and that is the honest godly partie of the Armie, of which societie my Husband is a member; therefore take heed what you say.

M. Cust. What have I to doe with the Army, I have nothing to say to the Army.

M. New. But the Armie hath something to say to you then: for if no power will tame you, they can and will tame you; were you as fierce as a Lyon, they will new-mould you into better breeding, and make you leave off your Superstitious Feasting, and turne to Fasting, if you doe not mend your manners.

M. Cust. As for the Armie, no doubt but there may be some honest men amongst them, but all [15] the world knowes what thy Husband was, a poore man which ran out of his Countrey for debt, and afterwards betooke himselfe to be Master Percyes Groome, to rub his Horses heeles in Drury-Land; And now such as he is, must come to tame those which are ten times better then themselves; this is a fine world indeed.

M. New. Huswife farewell; I have with silence heard things of a dangerous Consequence against the Parliament and Armie; therefore looke to it for you shall surely suffer for it; these things cannot be let slip without severe punishment, either with the deprivation of Life and Libertie, or at least the losse of your Goods.

M. Cust. Devill, doe thy worst; if they are honest men they will not doe it: Yet all this Chattring shall not put me off from keeping Christmas.

For as long as I doe live,
   And have a Joviall Crew,
I’le sit and Chat, Laugh, and be Fat,
   And give Christmas his Due.